Because it says within the Bible, “I wish to be the easiest, like nobody ever was.” May there be a extra true passage? I don’t know; I didn’t look. However in case you’re right here studying this web site of ideas, tips, and opinions, you’ve in all probability felt the urge in your soul to develop into a champion. There could also be billions of individuals enjoying video video games around the globe, however haven’t you ever puzzled what it could be like if you – sure, you! – had been one of the best at a recreation? I’m not speaking about getting a excessive rating at a laundromat that resets its Ms. Pac-Man machine each evening.
I’m speaking about being one of the best in your entire world. The best gamer on all of Tremendous Earth. When different gamers get cute and assume they’re placing up numbers, they see your rating and weep realizing they’ll by no means overcome your spot on the leaderboard. That’s the candy stuff, child. Put it straight into my veins. Being so good at a online game that it breaks one thing in a complete stranger. You wish to lock down your home in excessive rating historical past so onerous that it makes different folks really feel dangerous. The by no means ending quest to beat your weaknesses and to indicate the world that you’ve precise worth as a human being whereas everybody else is nugatory.
This can be a story about a lady named Fortunate a person who wished to develop into the best gamer in your entire world. Reader, that man is me. And reader, I nearly did it. For actual. There have been moments I may style it. I used to be this near changing into the best participant who ever lived.
At Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball.
Oh, I didn’t count on to tackle this burden. It wasn’t intentional. I merely like Pinball FX. In the event you’re not accustomed to Pinball FX or don’t perceive the way to decide up context clues, Pinball FX is a recreation/app that lets you play – anticipate it – pinball. Some based mostly on bodily tables, some purely digital. Just a few are free to play. For the remaining, you may subscribe to a service or purchase them individually. And, whereas in a situation finest described as “lower than sober,” I purchased numerous pinball tables. Numerous these had been classics like Star Trek: The Subsequent Technology. And, as a result of I get pleasure from Christmas, I additionally purchased Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. The actual fact these purchases had been made two months after Christmas doesn’t and shouldn’t matter.
At first, I performed the classics! Why wouldn’t I? It had been years since I’d taken on the pinball variations of The Twilight Zone or Star Trek. And since I owned these tables, I may actually dive in and determine them out! I used to be going to get good on the classics! Oh, I sucked at first! Actual dangerous! However then I had among the best video games of Star Trek: The Subsequent Technology I’ve ever had! And, people! Take a look at the place I ranked with 110,214,170 factors!
Ten thousand, 4 hundred thirty seventh on the planet! Why, that’s not too dangerous! It’s not good! However it’s not too dangerous! And undoubtedly a rating you may clearly inform I didn’t obtain once more. However a minimum of I’m inside a stadium-sized-audience of being one of the best on the planet, proper? Proper? Pricey God, that was one of the best I may do and I wasn’t even approaching greatness. I didn’t assume I might – nevertheless it’s nonetheless a hell of a factor to do your finest and discover out that nearly each different sentient human being is best than you.
So I performed a number of different tables. All enjoyable! Wee!
Lastly – I imply, actually lastly of the 24 tables I purchased – I performed Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. And after my first recreation, I positioned within the 500s. Let me repeat that: In my very first recreation, I ranked among the many high 600 folks to have ever touched Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. I may’ve deleted the sport from my Steam library and nonetheless recognized endlessly that I used to be among the best avid gamers on Earth on one particular digital pinball desk. I’ve by no means been within the high 600 of something aside from suspects.
Which made me assume: If no one was enjoying this desk apart from me and different weirdo psychopaths like me, then perhaps – simply perhaps – I may develop into the highest gamer in your entire world at Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. For the primary time in my whole life, I could possibly be one of the best at one thing that didn’t contain crying within the bathe or regretting a protracted, emotional electronic mail. I may do that! It additionally helped that I had a really lengthy aircraft experience forward to go to a sick relative.
Now, you is perhaps questioning, “Is Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball a great recreation?” That doesn’t matter. It’s tremendous. It’s a online game pinball desk for youngsters based mostly on a 75-year-old caricature’s Christmas particular. It’s precisely what you’d count on. Have you ever performed pinball? Have you ever seen Charlie Brown Christmas? That’s all you might want to know. Actually, in case you’ve even carried out simply one of these two issues, that’s all you might want to know.
The excellent news is, Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball is a reasonably easy desk in comparison with numerous the Pinball FX choices. There aren’t many hidden lanes or tips, so determining one of the simplest ways to rack up factors isn’t too onerous. Really doing it’s a problem! However you be taught fairly early to only bust up Lucy’s psychiatry sales space till you handle to get multiball. Which I used to my benefit. All of the sudden, I used to be within the 400s. After which the 300s.
Though “all of a sudden” is perhaps a misnomer as a result of it took me hours to crawl up this checklist little by little. Which is the way in which it ought to be. However it’s in all probability unhealthy that I’ve put extra time into Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball than Helldivers 2. Then once more, none of my associates have handled me like a dick for by accident calling in an air strike on Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball. They positive have for Helldivers 2, although!
The draw back of the simplicity of the desk is that you just hear the identical sound results over. And over. And over. Each rattling recreation I’ve to listen to that Charlie Brown likes Christmas, however he’s depressed. And a toddler shouting “shoot the director gap” by no means stops being bizarre. To not point out the Charlie Brown theme music which – as you may count on – will get outdated after the fifth or sixth hour of play. By the point I lastly reached the 200s within the rating, I might scream the sound bites again on the recreation as they occurred.
For a short second, the 200s had been my ceiling. I couldn’t fairly crack it, whereas the sport’s repetition was beginning to crack me. I personal a great pc and a Steam Deck and I nonetheless haven’t completed mainly each good recreation that’s come out this 12 months. However I wished it. I wished to know that I may get into the 100s. The scores above mine weren’t too excessive. The relative who I used to be visiting requested me what I used to be enjoying and I screamed “NOTHING” like I used to be watching porn. That’s how embarrassed I used to be.
However I acquired there. 153. The 153rd finest participant on the planet isn’t dangerous. Lots of people can be pleased with that rating if this had been Road Fighter or Mortal Kombat or FIFA or Name of Obligation or Overwatch 2 or actually another online game exterior of that Contemporary Prince zombie recreation all of us simply discovered existed. Actually, that’s in all probability the one different recreation I could possibly be the 153rd finest at. Don’t tempt me.
I didn’t cease. I couldn’t cease. As soon as I’d hit the 100s, I wished to limbo below that bar, too. I wished to be within the high 100 gamers of one thing. Something. So I spent hours – whereas staying in a location way more sunny and enjoyable than the place I often stay – enjoying spherical after spherical of this cursed recreation. Kids screaming at me to hit the left loop, the precise loop, the left middle loop, the mailbox, the whole lot. The music looping and looping and looping. Somebody requested if I used to be watching Christmas motion pictures and I placed on headphones and locked the door to the toilet.
And I lastly did it. I cracked the highest 100. I went full Tommy and crushed the desk as onerous as I’ve ever crushed it. My response instances heightened. My thoughts was like Scarlett Johannson’s in Lucy. “To data.” After which like an entire dork, I noticed how effectively I used to be doing and immediately my palms was plastic oven mitts that couldn’t hit the precise buttons.
And so I ended up at 51st. Hell yeah.
At that time, I needed to cease. Not simply because I had reached a aim I didn’t assume I’d attain, but in addition as a result of I checked the highest of the checklist and the scores began to get insane. It seems I wasn’t the primary particular person to comprehend that you possibly can dominate a leaderboard if no one else gave a crap. Besides these folks within the high ten clearly very a lot cared and labored very, very onerous for his or her a whole bunch of hundreds of thousands of factors.
Sadly, I couldn’t go on endlessly. Dragon’s Dogma 2 was popping out and I couldn’t bear listening to Charlie Brown put down Pig-Pen yet another rattling time with out throwing my Steam Deck at a passing automobile. The sport had gotten below my pores and skin. First in that traditional “Simply One Extra Flip” means after which, later, in that traditional “I Want To Cease Earlier than One thing Dangerous Occurs As a result of I Am Dropping My Rattling Thoughts.”
Since then, I haven’t risen a lot greater. And I do respect that even my place on the checklist is so very straightforward to beat. I promise that if any of you studying this put quarter-hour into Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball, you possibly can beat me like a dad holding a sock stuffed with oranges. However between hand tremors and by no means wanting to consider Snoopy ever once more, my rank might be going to remain the place it’s till another person does barely higher.
That mentioned, I nearly did it. I could not have been one of the best on the planet. I could not have even been within the high ten. However of the billions of human beings on this stunning, fragile planet, I used to be the 51st finest at losing my time on what I’m sure is the least-played pinball desk ever placed on a pc display screen. I used to be the 51st finest that ever was. In actually another online game I rank between “rubbish” and “Emil Cioran’s potential to really feel pleasure.” However right here? Solely 50 different folks have put up higher numbers in Charlie Brown Christmas Pinball.
And god bless them, as a result of I assume it’s pushed them insane. There’s a purpose the band Queen pluralized the time period, as a result of we actually are the champions.
Mike Drucker is an Emmy-nominated author and almost-world champion pinball participant. Comply with him on X.